Who Am I?
At first, I was just another Time Lord, but then it happened. The moment. The one thing that changed my life forever. I became a murderer of my own people, guilty and alone forever. Two regenerations later, I had to return.
I stood there, with two of my past selves. I placed my hand on the glowing red button that reminded me of the horror of the Time War and the blood that was on my hands for ending it. And there I was, ready to kill them all again.
I thought about how I’d changed in those 400 years. That choice stayed with me. At first I regretted that choice– I looked at my Tenth regeneration. I could see the lines of worry in his face, and I saw that he still regretted it, just like he regretted having to push the button again.
But then after I regenerated, I began to forget. I looked over at Clara. What if only needed companions because I needed a distraction? What would that mean? I shook the thought away. Too painful. Just being here brought it all back, and those memories I had suppressed for so long began flooding through.
Flooding. That made think of fire. Burning. Planets burning. I made the planets burn. And I was about to do it all again. The Doctor, savior of the universe, killing them all. Who was I? What sort of person would do that? But I had to. There was no choice. I sighed, closed my eyes, and… looked back at Clara.
I was reminded of why I need companions. I don’t just need a distraction. I need a person who complements me, who sees things differently. I realized that she was seeing this differently. I had traveled with her long enough that I knew something was wrong.
“What? What is it? What?” I had to know what was going on.
“Nothing.” I knew that wasn’t true. I needed to know what she had to say. It could change everything.
“No, it’s something. Tell me.”
“You told me you wiped out your own people. I just. I never pictured you doing it, that’s all.” The scene changed and we saw a projection. I saw all the Time Lords and Daleks, the horror and devastation. I saw everything, all the things I was about to destroy. And it hurt. Again. It was almost like the universe was trying to punish me.
Clara turned to look at the three of us. “The warrior, the hero, and you.”
“And what am I?” How could she forget me? Was I nothing? Didn’t she care about me? Why had she been traveling with me for all that time if she cared more about them than me? What was I? Worthless?
“Have you really forgotten?” I thought about that for a moment. I’d spent all that time trying to forget the Time War, trying to forget all the awful things that happened, and in the process, I’d forgotten myself. I had acted cool, but I was lonely and empty inside. I wasn’t a hero anymore, just a madman with a box. A madman with a box who’d lost his sense of identity. All that time filled with pain and tears, and what had come of it? I had forgotten who I was. “What do I do?”
“What you’ve always done. Be a doctor. You told me the name you chose was a promise. What was the promise?”
“Never cruel or cowardly,” my Tenth regeneration said. I thought about it. Yes, I had tried to be kind and courageous- especially after I killed all my people.
“Never give up, never give in,” the Warrior added. I’d tried to keep going and do everything I could, persevering to the end- especially after I gave up on finding a solution and ended the Time War with double genocide.
And then I realized I couldn’t do it. I didn’t want to. It went against everything I’d ever lived for, the only sense of identity I had. There had to be another way. I thought for what felt like eternity.
And then, I knew exactly what I would do, how I would live up to my name even at the time when it seemed like I had to go against my very nature. I had found a way out. “Gentlemen, I have had four hundred years to think about it. I’ve changed my mind.”
I called on all my past selves to be the Doctor in a way none of us ever had, and I don’t think any of us will ever do again. We saved them all, and I remembered who I am. I am the Doctor, bringer of hope. Gallifrey falls no more.
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